In your lifetime, you likely have explored nature and have encountered a lake or pond. On the surface, you see what appears to be a flat uniform surface with minimal movement which tends to represent a peaceful if not serene environment. Not always is what’s presented on the surface the full story. If we look deep beneath that surface, we would see an underwater ecosystem teeming with wildlife moving about in erratic patterns all in an attempt to survive despite whatever perceived dangers lurk in the depths. This isn’t such an uncommon concept really, but it is uncommonly understood by many when it comes to human behavior.

Behind every behavior is something deeper. When we think about this, it’s easy to understand conceptually but I want to share a story that depicts an uncommon reaction to a common interaction. I had a female friend who had a young son with whom I had bonded for 2 years. I started travel nursing, so that bond diminished and time spent together became sparse to say the least. On a recent visit, I met them for dinner and spent some time playing with the child like we had done many times before when I was consistently home during that 2 year bonding period. Previously, every time he would leave my home, he would ask me to carry him to the car, but this time was different. He seemed uneasy as the time to leave approached. The mom and myself both asked if he wanted to be carried to the car. He declined which seemed insignificant initially since he had grown from 5 to 8 years old in that time and carrying an 8 year old wasn’t really age appropriate, but the story continued to unfold after he walked himself to the car. Immediately, once he got in the car, what would normally be followed by multiple hugs goodbye, smiles, and laughter was replaced with angry faces, rejection, and sticking his tongue out in rude dismissiveness. For a moment, I thought, “Why is he doing this?” There was no provocation or trigger that could be observed on the surface. I didn’t respond with anything other than to say, “ok. Have a good night.” I walked toward the mother and asked if she had observed this erratic unprovoked shift in behavior. She had seen it as well. I quickly began to formulate what I still believe is the basis for this behavior. Can you guess? Do you see the feelings beneath the surface?

By establishing a consistent 2 year pattern of being present and available, I disrupted his equilibrium by showing up one time after many months of absence. While I was present reliving positive memories and experiences, he was content, but as time ticked away getting closer and closer to the time for my departure, he became dysregulated. Even at age 8, while probably not fully aware, he began to feel a sense of loss. This created an unstable insecure feeling inside in which he felt the need to pull away, resist, and even reject me perhaps all subconsciously, but why?

I was preparing to leave again for another state far away with no promise of my return for several months. I believe his rejection of me was his way of protecting himself emotionally from the hurt that he was going to feel by my leaving. His fear of the loss of this good experience resulted in his negative response. This happens in both children and adults alike when the fear of losing something good overpowers the rational thought process resulting in many people pushing away the very person/thing they want most: in this case-connection. Sometimes a defense mechanism is initiated when a person fears losing someone close to them, so they reject the person before the person can reject them. Fear of rejection? Maybe. More likely fear of losing the relationship again which in turn leads to a person intentionally refusing to allow this person to get close to them again intimately and emotionally, thus you see the rejecting behaviors of sticking a tongue out and angry faces in this case. In many cases, children or adults will tend to say hurtful things, nitpick or initiate arguments, or withdraw and “ghost” others by refusing to interact with them or answer messages. These are just some of the behaviors a person will exhibit when this defense mechanism kicks in when a person’s fear of closeness or loss thereof overrides rational thought. Has this ever happened to you? Have you seen it in your children? Let’s talk about how to recognize the signs and how to get better at overcoming this.